Recently I passed an old friend in traffic and decided to text him and find out what was up. We ended up hanging out in the same infamous cemetery as that other encounter, and just talking for a while. Then somehow we ended up kissing.
Laying in the grass, legs all tangled up together, feeling very much like the creepy Goth girl I must be destined to be, the kid suggests we go back to his place. I agree, noting to myself that it's ten of eight, and I should be home by nine to get enough sleep. He tastes like nicotine due to the cigarette he chain-smoked before we started making out. Bad sign number one.
We get back to his house, traipse up to his room. He sleeps in the attic of his house, and I can barely stand up in there. I shrug this off, figuring I'm going to be spending most of the time in various laying-down positions so it doesn't matter.
He's a huge stoner, and so he turns the lights off in his room and turns his fucking lava lamp on. Bad sign number two. Now I can barely see around the room, but I notice that the bed literally takes up the entire space. The bed and his piles of clothes. Fabulous. I note the Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and Sid Vicious posters around his room. The Sid one is directly across from the bed. At least I'll have something to look at.
We get naked, I can't see, and he can't get it up. I move down to blow him a little bit, and I notice how incredibly small his dick is. Regret begins to seep in, but I hadn't had sex in a loooong time, so I just had to grin and bear it. I blow him, and think "at least I can deepthroat because it's so small."
I roll over and we start to go at it. He immediately starts raving about how awesome my pussy is. I know. I've heard it all before. I attempt to find something to compliment him on and fall back on the "oh. oh. mm. that feels so good." shit for a while. Finally I ask him (three times. Apparently my vagina was that good that it impaired his hearing.) to give it to me doggy, in hopes that I might actually feel something and he can stop breaking my hips doing missionary.
No such luck. Doggy only gets my face smushed into his cigarette-flavored pillows, and still little to no feeling of much of anything downstairs. Internally I roll my eyes, wishing I hadn't gotten myself into this. Shitty sex blends into shitty sex until I convince the kid to let me get on top. He gropes my boobs like a horny twelve year old and then I somehow manage to come. At this point he flips me back over for some more hip-breaking missionary. I stare at Sid Vicious and wish for this to end. Just as he begins to lose his erection again, I realize I have an escape route, and ask him what time it is.
He groans, tells me it's around the time I have to leave, and I shove him off and start grabbing my clothes happily. He sits, incredulous, on the bed. He never came. I throw my clothes on, smooth down my hair, and apologize for the hasty exit. I'm half proud I managed to use someone, and half repulsed I chose ashtray-breath over here. He asks if I'm sure I have to leave. I vehemently reply that I do. He kisses me again, throws his own clothes on, and follows me out. Before I manage to get in my car he's kissed me about thirty more times.
He then proceeds to text me the instant he thinks I might be available for the next few days. Finally I tell him I've gotten involved in a relationship, which is half true (I don't lie. The most I'll do is tell a half-truth, or extend the shades of meaning a word might have.). He lays off, and then asks me if he did anything wrong.
How does one politely say "No, it wasn't you, I just can't deal with a dick that small"?
I think a better phrase would be, "Well, we just didn't click."
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