There's one key reason I am not nor could ever be a hooker, and that is this. I hate planned sex.
There's something that makes me feel skeevy about saying "Hey, if you come hang out with me Friday I'll bang you" and then following suit. I get performance anxiety, or something. This exact issue is why one of my male friends isn't speaking to me currently.
He's been wanting to bang me for ages, and I turned him down to date him because he simply is not my type. He flipped the fuck out, saying that that line was "the biggest bullshit a girl could ever come up with" and a few other tasty things. I rolled my eyes, blogged about it, then moved on.
We started hanging out again, and I realized exactly how much he reminds me of my exboyfriend. Not a healthy thing to be hanging out with, or something I particularly wanted to do anyway. My exboyfriend's a douche, and I don't like douches. One day we were hanging out in a park near where he lives, and it occurred to me that the way he was acting towards me, and the way I was responding, made us look like we were dating. Some idiot part of my brain clicked in and said "why not?" so I told him I'd probably end up sleeping with him.
Then, a few weeks later, after incessant calls, the annoyed slut part of me turned on, and said "If you come down here Friday and use up your gas instead of mine for a change, I'll sleep with you."
Here's the bit where disaster struck.
During the week I tried out telling a few people "Yeah, Friday night I'm finally getting laid" and it almost sounded okay. Then the entirety of Friday I spent driving around, hunting for a good spot to have a quick car shag that wasn't my house (roommates home). I find one that's mostly suitable, and get the call that my friend/potential fuckbuddy is at the exit, lost. Armed with five condoms stashed in various hidey-holes of my wallet, I drive off to meet him.
At which point I immediately remember that he is (a) a more awkward incarnation of my ex and (b) not my type. But I decide to press on, and start leading him off in the direction of a place to go and fuck.
Somehow while driving around, I realize there's just no way to initiate this, he's that awkward. So I play creepy Goth girl and drive to a cemetery, hoping that the dead and my creepiness will kill his libido. Sadly, I'm wrong, but I figured it was worth a shot. After we wander around, looking at headstones, and I sharply rebuke his efforts to flirtatiously touch me, it starts to get dark, and he wants to relocate to somewhere to fuck. I try a few lame excuses which fall flat, and then I even text a friend in an attempt to get pulled away for a girl emergency.
Finally he gets pissy, because he's mad he drove all the way down here and walked round a graveyard for no reason (obviously my company isn't enough) and I drive off like a bat out of hell to get away from him. Let him get lost in downtown, for all I care.
It just drives me insane because I don't come off that slutty. It aggravates me that he explicitly wanted sex. I know, he's a guy, I'm a cute girl, he expects it of me, but please. I also know I said it. But there was just something so inherently wrong with the entire situation that there was no way (and deep down, he had to know this) I'd go through with it.
Don't get me wrong. I'm a fan of drunken (or at least slightly inebriated) hookups. If it starts with kissing and leads into whatever, okay, fine, I'll bite. But saying "Hey, come over and let's have sex!" makes me feel awkward. Maybe I just have stage fright. Maybe it's the spontaneity that gets me hot and bothered. Either way, I have major issues with telling someone I'll fuck them on a specific date and time. Which is why, my little awkward friend, I did not have wild crazy bitch sex with you. It's not you, it's me.
So, I was hanging out with an awkward friend of mine today and he brought up this blog and told me I should check it out. I believe his quote was, "It is perhaps the funniest thing I have ever read." So with high hopes of a good laugh, I hop on the computer and check it out. I must say, this rant did not disappoint. It is one of the funniest, most flawed rants I have ever heard. A large portion of it does not make the slightest bit of sense. For starters, how in the hell does prostitution empower woman? Porn, stripping, prostitution are all forms of degrading woman. These practices train men to look at woman as objects, objects for their sexual pleasure, not as human beings. It weakens women not empowers. No feminist would agree with you on that statement.
ReplyDeleteSecond, in the later situation described you have nobody to blame but yourself. You openly admit in this rant that you at one point were planning to have sex with him. I know said awkward kid much better than you, and I know for a fact he would have been fine just going to see a movie, hanging out, and seeing where the night went. If you had sex, cool, if you didn't oh well. Not that big of a deal. He in no way went into that date with the attitdue of "I am having sex with this girl today." You were the only one in that situation that at one point or another was set on having sex. Anyways, thank you for the good laugh. It was a pleasure to read, and even more fun to tear apart.
I find it darling that you need to boost your own self esteem by using the Internet as a tool to tear others down. I also find it hilarious that if you ever found me in real life, you wouldn't say any of this shit to my face.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I made you laugh, that's what I set out to do by writing about my strange, fucked up sex life.
By the way, I know of a handful of highly public feminists who completely agree with me on my sex workers viewpoint. Want me to link you to them?
Thanks for leaving such a long comment on something you were offended by.
Oh, and when you're trying to make me feel shitty, please learn to spellcheck.
Alright, here's something that's not a self esteem boosting attempt to "use the Internet as a tool to tear others down". Which, by the way, is a run on sentence. probably would be a good idea to grammar check before you tell others to spell check. oh, wait, that's something you can't do just with a computer program. you need to be intelligent.
ReplyDeleteBut I digress. I found this blog because I was searching for what you're supposed to be talking about, what you advertise this blog as being about. Sex. Instead,I find a misguided rant by a misguided feminist. Yes, it can be argued that prostitution and the other professions based around a woman's use of her body are empowering to women. Unfortunately for you, men paying for sex is not only empowering to the women being paid, but also to the man paying. Being able to pay for sex instead of going out and working for it means the man is exerting control over the woman he's receiving sex from through the authority given to him by society by whit of his occupation and the status (in the form of money)that it grants him. I'd love to see the links to these feminists you speak of, as well as the part of their work you are directly referencing. I also enjoy how you say in your article that you're unsure if feminists would back you up, but then as soon as criticism begins to fall on you references to support your point miraculously appear.
You're most welcome for my long comment on something I was offended by. I understand why you're so thankful, as these offended comments and your own are the only ones you'll receive on this grammatically inaccurate and dull story. So please, remove the humor and self pitying filler from you're blog and make it actually readable. no one likes a self styled "slut" who never actually does anything and then has the gall to whine that she isn't getting to do anything.